


Thundercloud, Paint My Sky

by quinship



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: Consensual Underage Sex, F/F, Minor Violence, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 02:00:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13090047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinship/pseuds/quinship
Summary: Look, nobody ever said being a teenager was easy, especially when you're in love with your twin sister, and she's either all over some straight girl or hiding in the closet with a beard.





	1. Thundercloud, Paint My Horizon

**Author's Note:**

> Minor use of the D slur, if that bothers you. Didn't think it was in there enough to warrant tagging the entire fic.

 “Christina’s coming over today,” Sara mentioned over breakfast one morning. Tegan nearly choked on her cereal. She had to take a moment to drink some orange juice and get a whack on the back from Sara to the point where she could talk.

“You’re still wasting your time with her?” Tegan sputtered. “C’mon Sara, you’ve got more self-respect than that, haven’t you?” Sara clenched her jaw, glaring at her twin.

“I’ve got more than you, it seems.” Tegan was instantly quieted by Sara’s reply. That was a low blow. Sara was referencing the fact that Tegan was hiding her sexuality from everyone but her sister, while Sara was fully out to everyone. Tegan and Jeremy were each other's beard. Neither was ready to come out of the closet, and so they had to stage makeout sessions around their friends, and having fake sex when they went to parties. In reality, this took a lot out of both of them. Sara knew it was ridiculous and had pointed it out. The only reason that Sara even knew that Tegan was gay was because she’d informed Tegan that she saw an unopened box of condoms in Jeremy’s backpack and once he left their house after they’d supposedly had sex, the box was still unopened. Sara had been concerned for Tegan, warning her that she could get an STD or pregnant. Then, Tegan had been forced to admit that she and Jeremy weren’t actually a couple. She could have said that they weren’t ready to have sex, admittedly, but Tegan trusted her sister, especially because she’d gone through something similar. Sara understood immediately but pointed out to Tegan that she should just come out since their mother had gotten used to Sara’s identity. But Tegan said that she wasn’t ready. Sara figured it was because Tegan wanted to make sure that she was still their mother’s favorite. Sara and their mother had been distanced ever since Sara came out.

“Christina doesn’t even like you. She just likes the attention.” Tegan murmured, staring into her bowl. The cereal was growing soggy. Somehow, it matched how she felt inside.

“Almost every other girl has been like that.” Sara crossed her arms over her chest. “But Christina’s lasted several months. Every other girl who just liked the attention got bored soon. She might actually like girls. She’d probably just not ready to come out. Sounds like somebody I know…” Tegan swallowed. “Anyway, giving up on her would be a bit like someone giving up on you. You wouldn’t like that, would you?”

“No,” Tegan admitted. “Fine. But I get to have Jeremy over so that she doesn’t irritate me nearly as much.”

“Instead of a BF, he’s a BFF.” Sara joked, though the tone of her voice didn’t necessarily help the joke along. She sounded somber.

“You’re my best friend.” Tegan murmured, almost too quiet for Sara to hear. They locked eyes for a moment before their mother came downstairs announcing that it was time for them to get a move on, or else they’d miss their bus.

Tegan didn’t want to come out because she had no reason to. She could never have the girl she liked anyway. Their friends would crack jokes about them being lesbian twins and make incest jokes (not that they hadn’t before, but Sara had angrily shut them down immediately). Frankly, incest jokes bothered Tegan, not because she was grossed out by them, but the exact opposite. Sara was the girl she liked. The classic in-love-with-your-best-friend, but with her sister. Tegan had gone through the whole process of thinking that she was sick and disgusting, but had finally come to peace with it a month ago. She couldn’t help it, because if she could, she would have done it already.

Little did she know, Sara wasn’t really as into Christina as she pretended to be. She was mainly just chasing yet another girl she didn’t think she’d get so that she could hide her feelings for Tegan. This removed the possibility of more incest jokes and this way, Sara could pretend to be sketching Christina’s name and drawing their initials inside of a heart, rather than the truth: that it was Tegan whose name she was drawing with reverence. She sketched Tegan’s face during classes when she was bored, imagined Tegan while she masturbated, and fantasized things that they could never have together.

Throughout the day, time and time again, Sara got lost in thought because her mind was on Tegan. In the one class they shared , (though they were on different sides of the classroom) Sara kept her eyes down, staring at her notebook as she filled the back page of her notebook with yet another heart around Tegan’s sketched name. If she’d bothered to look up at her sister from behind her own curtain of hair, she would’ve realized that Tegan was staring at her. Frankly, this happened every day, whether they switched activities or not. Each time they caught one another staring, they’d grimace as if to pretend that the class was boring, and they’d go back to staring at their own respective notebooks. Today was no different.

Lunchtime was the same thing as always: Tegan sitting on Jeremy’s lap, them kissing occasionally, Sara ditching their friends to go walk Christina to their shared fifth period, after almost a half hour of bitterly stabbing at crappy food, and having to endure watching her twin sister with her beard.

Sara had begun ditching the others as a way of avoiding having to watch Tegan with Jeremy for the entire time. Her envy slowly and surely rose each day, and once she was almost at her boiling point, she’d ditch the rest of them.

The ride home on the bus involved them sitting away from each other. They wanted to sit next to one another, but they couldn’t. Not today.

Tegan rested her head against Jeremy’s shoulder. His arm was around her shoulders. Tegan wanted the shoulder to be Sara’s, but she wanted to hold Sara’s hand. They would a perfect fit… She wondered if Jeremy knew about her feelings for Sara. He spent so much time with her that he probably had to… He was her second best friend, after all. They spent a lot of time together and filled in the time where they were pretending to date with conversation and bonding.

Meanwhile, Sara listened to Christina talking. She faked an interested smile as Christina talked about something one of her friends, or rather a former friend, had done. She just wasn’t interested in the story, to be honest. She didn’t put in the energy to follow it. Luckily, Christina didn’t need a whole lot of encouragement to keep going. Sara got the feeling that Christina mainly just wanted someone to at least pretend that they were listening, so she felt free to start daydreaming. She didn’t dare look at Tegan because then Christina would get the idea that she wasn’t the center of Sara’s attention. But Sara let herself daydream about a fantasy world where Tegan liked her back, and they could be together forever. Sara daydreamed about a wedding between them. At first, she saw them in white dresses, but then she decided that a fantasy with wedding dresses just wasn’t them. Suits were better for them. And in this fantasy, Sara finally got her hair cut short, the way she’d been dreaming about. And she and Tegan would kiss tenderly, at their wedding consisting of only the two of them… And they’d be happy together. In their happy little fantasy world, Sara and Tegan could be together forever without judgment. They could be affectionate freely. They could kiss and hold hands. They’d adopt some cats. And most importantly to Sara… Tegan loved her back.

A lump grew in Sara’s throat, and her faint but pleasant smile wavered. She forced it, even more, keeping it tight, but inside her heart sank. It didn’t matter how open minded people were, or if sibling marriage was legal; she could never be with Tegan if her counterpart didn’t love her back. Tegan didn’t know it, but Sara’s heart was hers; every beat for her, as every last cubic millimeter belonged to Tegan. At seventeen, Sara had found the love of her life in her sister, her other half.

She could barely keep up the façade that she was listening to Christina, but the other girl didn’t even notice that Sara had grown upset. Christina only ceased talking when Sara announced that they’d reached their stop. Tegan and Jeremy followed behind; Jeremy’s arm over Tegan’s shoulder. Sara swallowed, trying to gain eye contact with her twin in an attempt to remind herself that Tegan really wasn’t with Jeremy, because her heart ached upon seeing them act like a couple in public, but Tegan only stared at her feet.

In truth, Tegan hated Christina with an anger born of envy. She wanted Sara to pay attention to her; Sara’s goddamned twin, for fuck’s sake; not some bitch who didn’t give a flying rat’s ass about her. Tegan wanted to slap Christina. She kept her eyes glued to the ground, taking deep even breaths until she calmed herself out of her jealous rage. She stole a glance at Sara’s ass, not that she could see it very well in those damned baggy jeans. Because they were so big on Sara, they rested low on her hips. Tegan’s own clothes were large and loose on her, but Sara’s body was what Tegan wished she could see underneath all that fabric. She imagined tenderly kissing Sara as they slowly undressed each other, preparing to make love. She wished she could lose herself in a reverie of them together, filled with passion, caresses, and euphoria, but she felt the shame from thinking such thoughts halt her mind in its tracks. She took a deep breath. Jeremy looked at her, questioning in his eyes.

“You okay, Tegan?” He asked. Tegan really didn’t want to lie to him. They were pretty close and had known each other since junior high, so he would probably be able to see through her lies anyway. But she couldn’t tell him the truth; not there, not then, and especially not with Sara right in front of them. But that didn’t mean that she couldn’t lead him to believe something that was close to the truth but not quite.

“I guess.” She settled upon that response. “I’m just…” She hesitated, glancing at the girls in front of them to check if they could be listening to Tegan and Jeremy’s conversation. She really didn’t need Christina knowing that she was gay because then the entire school would know, and she just wasn’t ready for that. “Um… Jealous, if you catch my drift.” She continued, voice hushed. Jeremy grimaced, nodding when Tegan gestured towards Sara and Christina. He ran his hand up and down her arm to remind her that she wasn’t alone in what he thought was her wishing that she could have a girlfriend and be out. Tegan appreciated his presence and loved him as a friend, grateful to have someone there when Sara was off with straight girls.

The younger twin did hear what was said, and understood things similarly to the way Jeremy had, assuming that Tegan was jealous of the fact that Sara had Christina with her. Sara desperately wanted to turn around and kiss Tegan to fulfill her sister’s desire to have a girlfriend despite being closeted. But Sara kept walking, not even turning back to glance at Tegan.

When they went up the driveway to the Quins’ house, Christina stopped talking about the drama in her life and began asking Sara about the homework. It was obvious that Christina wanted Sara to do her homework for her because Sara was known to be really intelligent, but didn’t hang with the crowd of honors kids because she didn’t like them. Sara was only willing to do someone else’s homework if it was Tegan’s. Often, they’d organize things so that Sara did both of their math and science homework while Tegan did their English and history homework. Sara would walk Tegan through French, but do half of the work for her. This little ritual was generally done with them lying on their stomachs on the floor of one of their bedrooms (generally Sara’s because there was less stuff on the floor) while music played in the background.

“How about we hang out in my room rather than do homework?” Sara suggested, leading Christina up the stairs.

“What’ll we do, then?” Christina asked, slightly irritated by this. She crossed her arms over her chest.

“I’ve got some acid.” Sara offered, albeit a bit hesitantly. She wasn’t completely in love with the idea of giving some of her precious supply to a girl that she didn’t even really like. She had not thought this through.

“What about weed?” Christina followed Sara into her room.

“You can’t smoke in my room,” Sara informed her, shutting that idea down. “I have asthma. But if you want to go smoke with Tegan and Jeremy, be my guest.”

“Why would I do that if I can just do it here, but by the window?” Christina wrinkled her nose. “Tegan and Jeremy are kind of gross together.” Sara clenched their jaw at that statement.

“No smoking in my room.” She reiterated. The only reason Sara didn’t go off on Christina was because she also thought that Tegan and Jeremy were kind of gross together, but only because she wanted Tegan for herself.

“Why are you so uptight? Maybe the smoke’ll help you relax.” Sara balled her hand into a fist behind her back, going to the door in order to close it. She noticed Tegan and Jeremy coming up the stairs. Sara briefly made eye contact with her twin, then turned back to face Christina, not yet shutting the door.

“If you don’t like it, then get out,” Sara replied calmly.

“Okay, fine.” Christina sighed. “Acid it is.” Sara closed the door, and then put on some music. She fished the LSD pills out of her desk drawer full of junk, took out one of the halves, and gave one to Christina while keeping one for herself. Once she was settled onto her bed, Sara took it, and so she and her guest laid around, enjoying their high.

Tegan and Jeremy opened the window of Tegan’s room once they got inside. Tegan put on her own music to mirror Sara’s and to ‘cover up’ the sex that Tegan and Jeremy had gotten so good at staging. They generally multitasked to make sure it wasn’t wasted time. This time, they’d be rolling joints.

They sat down on the bed, facing each other; a textbook between them. Tegan only had enough weed for a few joints. Jeremy provided the rolling paper, and they worked together to make the bed squeak, and provide labored breaths, but away from the marijuana so that it wouldn’t go everywhere.

When it became necessary, they started making sexual moans and groans. Jeremy led the way when it came time for the ‘climax’. First he’d make the loudest groan of all and then came Tegan’s not long after . They knew that they’d done a convincing job when Christina seemed to throw something at the wall Tegan shared with Sara. Tegan felt like it had been adequate, but she constantly worried that people might find out the truth. Both Sara and Jeremy had to reassure her, multiple times each, that nobody would until she was ready to come out. They’d helped to calm Tegan’s anxieties enough. She also found that smoking pot afterward kept her from worrying too much. If they did it beforehand, the quality of their acting would go way down. Plus, this made smoking the pot more like a reward.

“Did you do the worksheet for bio?” Jeremy asked as they used his cigarette lighter to light a joint. Tegan shook her head before taking a hit.

“Sara’s going to do it for me.” She reminded him.

“Oh yeah… I forgot that you guys do that.” He took the joint from her.

“Mhm.” She hummed. A few more hits later, and Tegan was getting nice and high. This was some good quality pot, so she was really relaxed. “Hey, Jer?”

“Yeah?”                                                                                                  

“Can I tell you a secret?” She asked. Obviously, she wouldn’t be doing this if she were sober, mainly because she’d be too afraid. This was not the best decision, but Jeremy was her best friend, aside from Sara. And if she was going to tell anyone before Sara, it’d be him. This secret was weighing down on her; she needed to get it off her chest… she had to tell someone! But she couldn’t tell Sara… Not yet, at least…

“Of course.” Jeremy blew out some pot smoke as he spoke. Tegan took a hit and exhaled before she spoke next.

“I’m… in love with Sara.” She confessed, whispering in his ear. That sentence had previously never been spoken aloud to anyone ever by her lips. Sure, she’d thought it so many times… But never before had she spoken those words. It was a relief to finally say the thing that had run through her head so many times, though Jeremy was just staring at her in awe for a long while, his mouth open in surprise. Tegan swallowed, but she couldn’t bring herself to get all worked up over this, thanks to her high.

“Oh.” Was the only thing he said before taking another hit. “She know?” Tegan shook her head.

“No one can know… Ever.” She warned.

“You gonna tell her?” He asked. Tegan shrugged.

“I don’t know how she feels about me.” She explained. “It could to in two different directions, and to be frank, I’ve got everything to lose.”

“Tell her, and if she gets upset, say I dared you.” Jeremy offered. “But only when you’re stoned.” Tegan nodded vaguely, taking the idea under consideration. She laid back, resting her head on her pillow, and temporarily released her worries from her mind.

Sara had been immensely relieved once she found out that her twin was gay, and that Tegan and Jeremy weren’t even a real couple anymore (they had been in ninth grade, which according to Tegan, was why they’d chosen each other as beards). She no longer felt jealously growing inside of herself when she heard the moans next door because she knew that Tegan wasn’t in love with anyone. If her sister had feelings for anyone, she’d have told Sara about it, and Sara felt satisfied with that knowledge. While that didn’t mean that Sara didn’t yearn for more, she felt like she’d be able to live like this. Even if Tegan never came out, Sara was happy that Tegan wasn’t in love with someone else. Sure; that was greedy of her to think, but in love, you had to both give and take. For her method of giving, Sara would never tell Tegan how she felt, despite the intensity she felt behind her love for her twin.

Eventually, Tegan opened the door of Sara’s room and informed both girls inside of the time. Christina stumbled out, and she and Jeremy left, giving the twins an hour before their stepfather would get home, and another half hour before their mother would. But she was attending a class at the community college, so after dinner, their mother would leave again. However, Bruce would be home, but as long as they were quiet, he’d stay downstairs and not bother them.

Sara watched Tegan sit on her bed, chewing on her lip, her eyes taking in the beauty of her twin. Sara cast her eyes down to her lap, trying not to get caught staring as she fantasized about kissing her twin softly on the mouth. To make sure that she didn’t do anything she’d regret, Sara pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. Her eyes became glued to her sister, acid highlighting every physical part of Tegan that she loved. Sara was so wrapped up in Tegan that she didn’t see what Tegan was doing.

Tegan’s high led her to sit closer to Sara than she would ever do when sober; their shoulders almost touching. Tegan slouched, her legs open. She gazed at Sara’s features, focusing on the ones that made her different from her twin. The differences, though small to most people, were huge to the twins. When Tegan looked at Sara and then herself, taking into account the differences in their personalities, Tegan decided that she was a rough draft, and Sara was the final draft. Sara wouldn’t have the fucked up thoughts that Tegan did. After all, it was disgusting of Tegan to be in love with her goddamned sister. And yet, despite all of the times Tegan went through that in her head, she couldn’t think of Sara in any way that didn’t lead back to being in love with her. Even when Tegan thought about how they grew up together, she thought of how close they were, and how Sara was the only one who had truly always been by her side and had been her best friend from the very beginning.

If someone were to ask Tegan what she loved about her sister, the shortest answer, though not always accurate, was ‘everything’. Because if Tegan were to give the most accurate answer, she’d be there forever describing Sara, stars in her eyes at the thought of her twin. She’d start chronologically with the things she loved. She’d begin from the moment just before they split into two in the womb, for that was where and when it all began.

In this moment, Tegan was staring at Sara, and Sara was staring at Tegan, but neither of them actually realized it.

Tegan grew ashamed at her thoughts about her twin sister, especially with Sara sitting right next to her, and bowed her head. Her long hair fell into her face, taking away her view of Sara and Sara’s view of her. Upon this happening, the younger twin slowly and carefully reached out to move the obstructing locks out of the way. With that, Tegan stole a glance at her. Sara had a gentle and mild expression on her face, and once she realized that Tegan was looking at her, she smiled softly. In return, Tegan felt most of her shame melt away. Loving her twin sister in the way that she did was disgusting to her, but she couldn’t help being in love with Sara. When she knew that Sara loved her, even platonically, Tegan felt cleaner. Times when they argued made her feel disgusting because she thought that Sara hated her. Those nights, she’d scrub away at herself with hot soapy water in the shower, and then lay in bed despising herself.

Her mood almost always revolved around how things were with Sara. The interactions she had with Sara could make or break how her day went. Even if she was already having a great day, one dirty look from Sara could tear that down and make her cry. But on the flip side, if Tegan’s day was horrible and she broke down, Sara could make everything better and even make her smile just by sitting by her and talking to her, even if she wasn’t talking Tegan out of it; even if she was simply telling Tegan about something that had happened during the day. The two weren’t terribly affectionate anymore, so they generally showed each other that they loved one another by talking to each other. Tegan had become less affectionate mainly because she feared overstepping her sister’s boundaries and making Sara hate her even more than she thought that Sara already did. Tegan figured that’s why Sara was no longer as affectionate.

In reality, Sara was afraid that Tegan might find out that she was in love with her. So, to make sure that the touches didn’t last too long, she just stopped unnecessarily touching Tegan altogether. She avoided touching Tegan whenever possible, because if she did it accidentally, she’d probably want more. And she couldn’t risk it. Honestly, Sara did not sicken herself with her feelings for her sister anymore. She told herself that she was merely in love with her best friend, who happened to be her twin sister. She also told herself that Tegan’s body was sexy to her because Tegan was actually very different from herself, and Tegan just so happened to have the body type that Sara was attracted to. Also… It was Tegan. She was beautiful on her own, but also because Sara was in love with her, of course she’d find Tegan physically appealing.

Sara hadn’t always been this comfortable with the fact that she was in love with Tegan. Once she finally realized it, she’d begun to search for books about sibling incest, starting with The Hotel New Hampshire, because she’d heard about the movie. She moved on to look at the card catalog in the library to find such books. However, she couldn’t just check the books out of the library; then people would know what she was reading and her record could be brought back to haunt her. Sara eventually had to learn to trust a small used bookstore where an older woman had begun to realize the types of things Sara was looking for (books about incest and lesbians, or both) and began to offer her a few titles each time she returned. Her small collection of these books grew, and so Sara kept them hidden inside the window seat with a combination lock, using the date on which she’d realized her love for Tegan. She managed to stay relatively calm about her mother grilling her on what was inside, so Sara explained that it was merely her journals and a few valuables (which were in there). The books with the most innocent titles and summaries were at the top so that Sara would have more time before anyone reached her journals. She knew for a fact that her mother had tried to get into the window seat, but eventually gave up, for which Sara was thankful.

She couldn’t stop herself from moving Tegan’s hair out of her face. Sara had picked up on the fact that Tegan wasn’t feeling the best at this moment, and she knew that usually, Tegan held her hair out of her face whenever it blocked her view, so Sara felt the need to remedy that for her. She was surprised when Tegan looked up but gave her a slight smile.

They maintained eye contact for a minute too long, Sara’s fingers still in contact with Tegan’s hair, but they both forgot about that. The twins got lost in each other’s eyes, searching for the thing that they had been failing to see in the other. Their hearts fell in sync without their knowledge. But then, Sara realized what was happening and panicked a little bit, despite the acid.

“You should get a haircut.” She muttered lamely, retracting her hand.

“Yeah… maybe shave it all off.” Tegan shifted, casting her eyes down at the bedspread. “Maybe after I come out…”

“Yeah, that would give it away,” Sara replied, avoiding eye contact as well.

“It might look bad after I do it, though. And then I’d have to just let it grow out.” Tegan continued. Sara remained silent, not wanting to say what she was actually thinking. Well, she did want to say what she was thinking, but she also didn’t want Tegan to hear it. Sara wanted to say that Tegan would look beautiful no matter what hairstyle or length she chose. (Sara did have her preferences, though; if she was being honest. But she would tell Tegan that no matter what she looked like she was gorgeous, because to Sara, Tegan was beautiful and perfect.) But she kept her mouth shut, nodding. She knew Tegan, but not well enough to know if her own feelings were reciprocated. Usually, when Tegan had a crush, she’d be quiet but giggly behind the person’s back. Sara didn’t know if this could be the case for Tegan having feelings for her twin sister. Usually, Sara had it easy because Tegan used to just tell Sara who she had a crush on. They used to tell each other everything. But then they withdrew themselves from each other.

Sara sighed, wishing that she could go back to the way things used to be. It was once so easy… But she now had to calculate every single move she made, and observe Tegan’s movements and decipher them as though she was searching for some sort of hidden code. It was exhausting. For once, she just wanted to be spending time with her sister, without worrying about fucking things up with her.

Tegan stopped talking once Sara didn’t reply back. There was no point, in her mind. She was getting worse at reading Sara. She didn’t even ask permission to come into Sara’s room and hang out. For a couple of moments, she felt like Sara had wanted her there, but now Tegan wasn’t so sure. She moved to the edge of the bed and stumbled out of the room, going back into her own room. The open window had made the room cooler. Tegan had taken off her jacket, leaving her in her T-shirt and jeans. She curled up into a ball on her bed, not using any layers as a defense against the cold. Maybe life would be a lot easier if she just told Sara how she felt. Then she’d get her no. Then Tegan would know to stay as far away from Sara as she possibly could. At least then she wouldn’t be stuck wondering. She’d know for sure. S he’d get the closure and ability to move on.

She began to go through all of the other reasons she should do this soon. First, she was in the closet, so anyone besides Sara would think that Tegan was straight and side with her, telling Sara that Tegan was simply playing a prank on her. Jeremy had given her the easiest lifeline; telling Sara that it was a dare from him if (when) it went badly. Another reason was that they were teenagers. If they were avoiding each other and fighting, then it could easily be covered up as them just being teenagers. It was their senior year, so it wasn’t like they had to spend a lot of time together afterward. Tegan (or Sara) could easily move far away and start a whole new life where nobody knew her. Vancouver sounded nice. She could come out there and live gaily.

The reasons were few but big. The reasons against telling Sara were infinite. But Tegan felt that she needed to do it for some peace. She just had to find the right time. She’d need a time when they weren’t angry at each other, or particularly close. She’d need a neutral time because otherwise, things could get very ugly.

Sara watched Tegan exit her bedroom, and immediately knew what she’d done wrong. By refusing to answer, she’d made Tegan think she didn’t want her there. But Sara had no response besides the immediate one that popped into her head, so she didn’t dare speak. She sighed, cradling her head in her palms, wishing that she didn’t have to be like this. But Tegan couldn’t know. So Sara lounged around, letting her high wear off a little bit at a time. Eventually, their stepfather got home, so Sara took her backpack into Tegan’s room, and the elder twin immediately knew that they were going to do homework now. Tegan stayed on the bed, while Sara laid on the floor, plenty of space between her and the bed. They’d look over their homework in the morning to make sure that it was still intelligible. They didn’t usually do their homework when stoned, but if they did it occasionally it wasn’t a big deal. The teachers didn’t really check it anymore like they did in elementary school.

Like always, Sara stole glances at Tegan, wishing that she could find a way to fix things. But there was no way. She couldn’t just pull away and then be all close with Tegan again with no explanation whatsoever. Sara had no good options that would change anything but guarantee that Tegan wouldn’t hate her. She didn’t feel comfortable taking such huge risks.

That evening was quiet. Once they finished their homework and Sara, then Tegan, showered (leaving Tegan’s window open to help continue to rid her room of the smell of weed), the twins went downstairs to watch TV with Bruce. They sat next to each other, arms drawn away from the other, though their sides were touching. Sara bit her lip, controlling her breathing. She’d steal a look at Tegan out of the corner of her eye every couple of minutes. Tegan looked so beautiful when she was so focused on something, be it homework or the news.

Over dinner, Sara kept her eyes cast down at her food, while they answered questions about how their day was in monotones. She went back to her room and stayed there the rest of the night, looking over her homework, then pulling out her journal to talk about that moment on the very spot of the bed that she was currently sitting on. This journal was like light and dark at different parts; never in between. Sara would talk about how lovely Tegan was and then how much she hated herself for feeling that way. She’d say that this new thing Tegan had done, for sure, was a sign that her feelings were reciprocated, but then talk about how she was just over analyzing things and that Tegan actually hated her and could never love her. The one constant thing throughout was that Sara would never tell her sister.

She quietly got herself off at the thought of Tegan, muffling her moans into her pillow. Right after, she got up to go to the bathroom and wash her hands, also changing her underwear. She took a long time falling asleep, staring at her ceiling until she finally closed her eyes.

The morning was her just going through her routine again, though she’d kind of woken up in a bad mood. But this time, the afternoon would just be her and Tegan. She didn’t have the energy to have someone over today. And Tegan didn’t feel any need to bring Jeremy around two days in a row. Sara should be excited about this, but she wasn’t. It wasn’t a good day for her.

Sara walked through everything she did each day. To keep up the appearance that she was into Christina, she sat with her during lunch and watched Tegan and Jeremy act like the cutest couple in the entire school, rolling her eyes each time she found herself looking in that direction. After school, she found Christina and flirted for a few minutes. Then Christina’s ride arrived, and Sara watched as the person she used as an excuse to not be around Tegan and have to deal with Tegan’s fake relationship was whisked away. She sighed and joined her sister at the bus stop, wishing for the nightmare of having to play along with Tegan and her beard would just be over. It was truly disgusting to watch, even if Tegan didn’t love someone else.

“I guess Jeremy had to leave.” She remarked.

“Yeah. He’s thinking of getting an afterschool job, by the way.” Tegan offered. She hoped that this would be something that would make Sara want to be around her more. Tegan wished that Sara wouldn’t be so irritated just because he was her fake boyfriend. Was Sara really that disgusted by Tegan’s cowardice? She’d said that she’d understood when Tegan confessed the truth about her sexuality…

“Great. Now you get to receive flowers and chocolate and that type of gross shit from him, so now you’ll have even more reason to swap spit beside the fact that you’re so in love.” Sara did not sound enthused. Tegan winced.

“Sara, I’m sorry.” She muttered, her voice hushed. Her heart picked up, terrified that Sara might let something slip.

“Tegan, you have got to quiet down when you’re fucking your boyfriend.” Sara snapped. Tegan felt so relieved that she could almost cry. “It’s disgusting.”

“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll try to keep it down from now on. I thought… I thought the music was loud enough.” Tegan replied, trying to talk in code.

“I like Jeremy; I really do. But you’re my sister.” Sara crossed her arms over her chest. Tegan wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean.

“I’m sorry,” Tegan repeated. “If you want, I have a few joints…”

“You know I don’t smoke.” Sara raised an eyebrow.

“Only if you want to.” She shrugged. “I’ve seen you do it before, but if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. We can just sit around and talk. We could eat. We could go out.”

“We can stay at home. I’ll think about smoking.” Sara answered. Tegan smiled in relief. She just wanted to spend time with Sara. They sat next to each other on the way home and talked about school. Then they moved on to other things to talk about. They cracked jokes and laughed, so they were in good spirits by the time that they got home.

“Do you want to smoke?” Tegan asked when they went into her room. Sara had deposited her stuff in her own room, then c a me into Tegan’s room.

“I think so.” Sara decided. She pulled her inhaler out of her pocket, offering a half smile. “Just in case.” Tegan grinned. She put a joint between her lips and took out a matchbook that she’d taken from downstairs. She lit the end. Sara tilted her head as she watched Tegan wave out the flame. Tegan looked at the small ribbons of smoke curling off of the match that had just been put out. She took a drag of the joint, and carefully blew the smoke at the already existing smoke. Tegan had placed the joint back between her lips, but Sara reached over and pulled it out of Tegan’s mouth and took a drag from it. Their eyes locked onto each other. This was something that they had once done; stealing joints from each other when they were at parties or concerts and it was too loud to ask the other to pass the fucking thing. It wasn’t strange to them. With them, weird had been needed to vocalize certain things. Sometimes they were just able to communicate certain things without words. This return of such actions made Tegan’s heart speed up. Her lips were parted, and she watched in awe as Sara took a small drag from the joint, and then blew it out in a small stream.

“I want to be on a boat while we do this.” Tegan found herself saying. Sara raised an eyebrow.

“Are you already high?” She asked, partially amused and partially concerned.

“No… not yet,” Tegan admitted. “But I want to feel like I’m in a compact space while we smoke… I don’t know why.” She did know why. She wanted to be in a small space with Sara, but she didn’t want to vocalize that.

“Um… alright. There’s the bathtub in our bathroom.” Sara offered, a bit weirded out. She handed the joint back to Tegan.

“Perfect.” Tegan lead the way into the shower/bathtub. Sara seemed to only follow (with her inhaler) because she was humoring Tegan. Also, Tegan had the joint, but Tegan knew that if Sara had really wanted to, she could’ve just lit another. But she was going to stay, and that was what was important.

So, Tegan proceeded to sit in the bathtub on the side with the spout, moving so that her position was somewhat comfortable. Sara removed the bathtub matt from the floor of the tub, placing it to the side. She sat down on the opposite side of the tub. The twins made light conversation, though they soon found that it was impractical to sit so far apart that they had to reach and lean forward to pass the joint. So they scooted towards each other. Once they were high, Sara began gently blowing smoke into rings, and Tegan tried to get a ring through Sara’s. They grinned at that.

“Hold your breath and close your eyes.” Sara found herself warning Tegan right before she took a drag of the joint. Tegan complied, and Sara blew out a large puff that drifted over her twin’s face. The window above them had been opened, but the bathroom now reeked of weed. That didn’t matter, though; they had some air freshener.

“Do that again,” Tegan whispered. Sara was surprised, but she followed Tegan’s request. “Can you blow the smoke into my mouth now?” Sara’s heart picked up.

“O-okay.” She replied, still surprised that her sister seemed to be enjoying this. Tegan closed her eyes, opening her mouth just wide enough for Sara to blow the pot smoke into. She leaned a bit closer so that their lips were inches apart and blew a steady stream of smoke straight forward. Tegan closed her mouth too soon so that Sara was again blowing the smoke over her face. The younger twin felt an asthma attack ready to occur. “'Scuse me… I’ll be right back.” She muttered, picking up her inhaler and exiting the bathroom. She went into her own room, opening the window so that she could get some fresh air, and then took a shot from the inhaler. She took a minute to breathe deeply and calm her racing heart.

In the bathroom, they had been doing something that was almost sensual. Sara couldn’t believe that she was letting herself do that and have that type of moment with Tegan. But there she was…

She smiled to herself, breathing deeply and calming her lungs. She was thrilled about this happening, but would it last?

When Sara went back to the bathroom, Tegan was leaning against the part of the tub on the side that Sara had been sitting, the joint dangling from between her lips. She smiled her gummy smile at Sara and the younger twin felt her heart pick up again. Tegan sat up, withdrawing her feet so that Sara could sit in there too. She sat so that there was a little bit of space in between them, but not too much. Tegan held the joint between her middle and index fingers, placing it between Sara’s lips so that she could date a drag from it. Sara blew the cloud into rings above Tegan’s head, grinning at her little joke to herself.

Tegan was a bit surprised at Sara’s positive reaction to Tegan’s actions. The pot had calmed her a lot, and from that, she found the confidence. Now they were just playing little games of blowing smoke at each other and smiling.

Once the joint ran out, Tegan put it out under some water and wrapped it in toilet paper to hide it. They’d shower later to get rid of all of the ashes, but they returned the bath matt to its home, then sprayed some air freshener in there to cover up some of the stench of pot. They went back into Sara’s room to sit on her bed and have stoned conversation. Tegan found that the pot made it so that she could flirt a bit, and Sara was smiling and was engaged in the conversation.

Right before bed, they quickly did homework together, as they’d saved it for last; doing all of the other little things that they’d needed to do first.

In the morning, they awoke to find themselves asleep together on Sara’s bed with their homework surrounding them, a bit messed up from sleeping on it, but not ruined. They blushed upon finding themselves in such close proximity, then Tegan scrambled to go into her room, taking her things with her. Sara was red as a tomato, avoiding eye contact with Tegan as she went throughout her morning routine.

Once they had sat down to breakfast to eat next to one another, they were forced to acknowledge the other, otherwise things would be even more awkward later on.

“So do you have any plans after school?” Tegan asked, looking down at her cereal. She figured that she may as well make the first move.

“No, not really. I was just going to stay around here.” Sara answered. “But I don’t think I want to get high today, though. If you do it too often, it doesn’t feel as fun and special.” Tegan nodded, smiling softly. Was this secretly Sara’s way of saying that she didn’t want to do be as close in proximity with Tegan again? “But if you want to hang in my room, you’re more than welcome to.” Sara offered. Tegan could see the movement of Sara biting the inside of her cheek. She resisted the urge to raise an eyebrow.

“Are we going to do our homework together again?” Tegan bounced her leg up and down.

“Sure,” Sara replied. “I’m willing to spend another afternoon with my sister.” Sara winked.

“Cool.” Tegan bit her lip, deciding that the butterflies in her stomach were making it impossible for her to eat anything more. “Um… would you maybe want to sit with me at lunch?”

“I think I’d like that. Christina’s friends talk about things that I’m not really interested in anyway.” Sara answered. Their hazel eyes found each other, and they shared a small smile. Tegan’s heart picked up and her palms grew sweaty. Could this really be happening?

Sara had decided that she just did not give a fuck anymore. She couldn’t pretend that she wanted to be with Christina anymore. Tegan was her best friend, and always had been. They were actually getting along pretty well, so it would be alright. She’d leave out little hints for Tegan, and if her sister made the first move, then Sara would go along with it and encourage Tegan. She sure as hell was not making the first obvious move.

When they were walking to the bus stop together, she brushed her hand against Tegan’s a few times, trying to send her a hint. And then on the bus, Sara left her hand very close to Tegan’s, though on her own side. She didn’t want to violate Tegan’s personal space because that might ruin everything so far.

Throughout the day, Sara dodged Christina because she wasn’t in the mood to say that she didn’t want to hang off of her anymore. She didn’t go out of her way to see Tegan; she merely sat with her and her other friends at lunch instead of Christina. Sara was in a good mood, so seeing Tegan with Jeremy wasn’t as irritating or gross as it usually was.

Once school ended, Sara intended to find Tegan and walk with her to the bus stop, but her plans were changed by Christina finding her before she could find Tegan.

“Hey, Sara.” Christina began walking right next to her. “Where are you going?”

“I was going to meet Tegan at the bus stop and then go home,” Sara replied, frowning. “Why do you care?”

“Because I want you to walk me out of here, silly.” Christina placed a hand on her arm. Sara crossed her arms over her chest, not trusting Christina. She didn’t even really seem to like Sara all that much, but now she was all touchy? It really didn’t make sense.

“I can’t.” Sara moved a little bit so that Christina might get the message that she didn’t want to be touched. “I’m meeting Tegan. Please get off of me.” The other girl scowled, and Sara left her standing there. She honestly wasn’t in the mood to deal with that. But once she saw Tegan standing at the bus stop, she grinned. “Hey, how’d your day go?”

“Just a regular day, I guess,” Tegan answered, smiling back. “You?”

“Christina just tried to get me to walk her someplace.” Sara rolled her eyes.

“I don’t think she even likes you,” Tegan remarked.

“I know right?” Sara rolled her eyes. “I guess she really did just like the attention.” Tegan grimaced.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Sara’s smile was faint. “You’re the one in the right here.” She winked. Tegan bit her lip shyly. Sara wondered if that was a good sign.

On the bus, they complained about school and Tegan told Sara a couple of funny stories that she’d still had yet to tell her. Sara felt like she could be anywhere in the world right now, but still only want to look at and listen to Tegan. They continued in their chatter as they got off the bus and went to their house. They stopped when they saw a car that they did not recognize in the driveway. Sara stopped Tegan in her tracks. They fell silent; confused at who this could be. Then the door opened, and out stepped a guy that neither of them knew. He looked large compared to them, and most definitely looked angry.

“Which one of you dykes was trying to get into my Chrissie’s skirt?” He snapped, shutting the door, stalking towards them. Sara moved Tegan behind her.

“Me,” Sara admitted. “My sister is straight. She has a boyfriend.”

“Sara, no! Just run into the house and call the cops.” Tegan whispered, worried.

“Tegan, go inside,” Sara commanded.

“Not if you’re out here.” Tegan protested. “I’m not leaving you.”

“Shut the fuck up.” The guy ordered.

Sara clenched her jaw. “Get off of our property.” She warned, taking off her backpack, ready to roundhouse kick him in the gut, and then kick him where it hurt. She hadn’t become a brown belt in karate for nothing.

“Maybe you should’ve stayed away from my girlfriend.” He warned. Oh… Shit… Sara’s gut dropped, and she was caught off guard by the first punch. She hadn’t known that Christina was with anyone. Fuck…

Sara blocked the punches that she could, mainly fighting back by kicking. He’d really only gotten her cheek, and she’d avoided letting him get her anywhere but the arms. Suddenly a blur with a lot of dark brown hair was clinging to Christina’s boyfriend’s back, punching him in the face.

“Don’t fucking hit my sister!” Tegan shouted. She got thrown off, but Sara had scrambled to catch her. The boyfriend had scratches on his face, and then Sara realized that sticking out in between Tegan’s fingers closed into a fist was her house key.

“What the fuck, bitch?” He was fuming.

“You’re not just dealing with one of us,” Tegan warned. “You’re dealing with both of us.” In reality, her hand was shaking and her heart was pounding harder than she’d ever felt it. “And if you try to hit one of us again, the other is going to go inside and call the fucking cops on you, so get the fuck away.” Grumbling about dykes and cunts and bitches, he got back into his car and left. Both twins were left panting, sitting on the ground in very close proximity. Tegan turned her head to look Sara over. “Did he hurt you?”

“He got my cheek. I took the rest of the punches in the arm.” Sara assured her, smiling and standing up. “Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yes, I did. I couldn’t just watch him hit you.” Tegan explained, also standing up. The two were facing each other.

“You could’ve gotten hurt too. And I don’t think I would’ve been able to bear that…” Sara pressed her lips together.

“I love you too much to have just let you have to do all of the fighting. It was like he was hurting a part of me.” Tegan protested. Her face went slack when she realized what she’d just said. Her lips fell apart to try to retract what she’d said, but it was too late.

“You love me,” Sara repeated calmly. “Tegan… how do you love me?” Before Tegan could answer, Sara revised her question. “Tegan, are you in love with me? Be honest.” The elder twin was at a loss for what to say. She could only nod. “Are you sure?”

Tegan nodded again, avoiding eye contact with Sara. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“Don’t be,” Sara replied. Tegan looked up in confusion, and suddenly Sara’s lips were on hers, softly kissing her. She melted into the kiss. She’d imagined what Sara’s lips would feel like, but this was a million times better than any of her fantasies. “Tegan, I’m in love with you.” Tegan couldn’t help but grin, hers identical to Sara’s.

“Sara, I’m in love with you.” It felt so good for both of them to speak their feelings aloud. Not caring where they were, they kissed again, and then hugged each other for a long time, not caring about what the future held, or how they would explain Sara’s bruises. They were in that moment, each filled to the brim with bliss, knowing that their feelings were mutual.


	2. Halves and Wholes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a dominant/submissive kink dynamic in the smut. If you're horrified by the idea of 17 year olds having sex with each other, that mentality is why sex ed is so terrible. (Not trying to insult everyone, just pointing out that I didn't even get sex ed until I was in 11th grade, aka 16, and most others were 17. Teenagers are having sex before that, getting STDs, and getting pregnant. The US needs to do better. Not sorry for the mini rant.)

Sara wrinkled her nose at the piece of paper in her hand. It was red, shaped like the right side of half of a broken heart, with a number inside of the curve of it: 101. She made her way to her sister's locker, lowering her hand with a small scoff. She ignored everyone who held up their own heart half and tried to see the number on hers. They were all desperate for a date on Valentine's day. Once she saw that Tegan and Jeremy were holding their halves and talking about them, Sara rolled her eyes.

"So I see you guys somehow give a shit." She said dryly. Tegan looked up, eyes lighting up, and a grin forming upon seeing her twin. She walked forward until she and Sara were only a couple of feet apart.

"So I see you hate fun." Tegan joked, her smile getting flirty. Sara bit her lip, wanting to kiss her girlfriend's smile, but she couldn't. Not then. Not there. 

"I like fun, but this is stupid," Sara replied. She kept walking forward, while Tegan flirtatiously retreated until they were next to Jeremy again. 

"What's your number?" Tegan asked. 

"101. Right side." Sara replied, rolling her eyes.

"Aw fuck. I'm 114, left side." Tegan pouted, looking genuinely disappointed. "I thought maybe we'd get matched, but yours isn't even in my class so I don't know who it is because we started in the 110s."

"Good," Sara said simply. "I don't care if leadership thinks that this is going to help people not to be lonely for Valentine's Day and participate in more school activities." Tegan bit her lip as Sara lowered her voice to a mere whisper that she wouldn't have been able to hear if she hadn't been able to predict what Sara was about to say. "Besides… I'm a taken woman. I've already found my soulmate." These words made Tegan melt inside from pure joy. Neither of them could keep themselves from smiling.

"I'm 629, right side." Jeremy cut in, mainly to distract any passersby. The twins came out of their moment on their own and Jeremy put an arm over Tegan's shoulder. "Hey, Teegs: permission to try to find my soulmate?" He gently jostled her shoulder, causing her to laugh. Sara smiled. Now she was fine with their PDA. It was still as fake as it had been, but now he and Tegan were pretending to be a couple only to cover up the fact that she and Sara were together. Tegan wasn't out, mainly because she couldn't have her sexuality be respected and be with Jeremy to hide her and Sara's relationship. So if anyone asked if Tegan was bisexual, she would say yes, but she'd say that she was very much in love with Jeremy. But that information would not be given out on its own: if someone were to ask Tegan if she were gay, she'd say no. If they asked her if she were straight she'd say no. She'd only answer the specific questions.

"You do, as long as she's not too pretty… or a guy…" Tegan answered, winking at Sara. Jeremy leaned down to peck a kiss on his faux girlfriend's lips. It was a bit noisy and gross to Sara, so she looked away.

"You're going to have to come up for air and eat lunch sometime." Sara reminded them. "I think we already wasted like ten minutes or something like that. I want to eat." Tegan and Jeremy detached so that the three of them could go off into their own little quiet spot to eat. Ever since the Christina Incident, they'd avoided the lunchroom. Both Sara and Tegan had been asked about it, but after they kept shutting people down, people forgot about it after two days. Because it was the last semester of high school, literally nobody cared about it anymore, but it had become a habit for the three of them to kind of hide away and have some peace and quiet. This didn't mean that the twins could be any more affectionate with each other than they would be able to be in the lunchroom, but they were out of sight and therefore out of mind, and people were less likely to suspect anything.

Sara generally made lunch for herself and Tegan. But Tegan had a habit of forgetting hers, so Sara just started bringing both lunches in one bag and giving it to her sister during lunchtime. She now loved lunchtime instead of constantly wishing that the half-hour sub-period of agony inside of the near seven hour period of boredom and agony would be over. She no longer had to scowl at Tegan and Jeremy's PDA because Tegan was doing it for her; so that they could safely be together.

After they finally got into a relationship, their lives improved significantly. Their relationship with one another, obviously, got better. There were no more large fights because they had begun to simply talk things out. The small tiffs were few and far in between because communication was so much better. Their relationship with their parents and friends had gotten better, despite all of the lies that they had told, they were telling, and would continue to tell. Their grades had improved because they'd actually started to focus in class, and done all of their work during class so that they could spend more time together at home and not have to worry about that sort of stuff.

Tegan felt better about being able to partially come out and just be out, even if she was private about it. Everything felt a lot more natural. She wasn't as afraid of people finding out about her sexuality, and faking it with Jeremy was a lot easier now. She'd told Sara about this, Sara replying that perhaps this was because they really were soulmates. Because love made things better; love made them better. They wanted to be better people for each other, and they wanted to grow and change together. The change happened gradually, so it wasn't too noticeable, though it was very significant and important.

However, there was a fear inside of Tegan that something would split her and Sara up; they'd get into a fight, or they'd find someone else… Something along those lines. Anything darker would make her want to cry and she'd cling to Sara and their cover would be blown. She was afraid of both Sara not being her soulmate, and Sara being her soulmate. The younger twin never expressed fears like these, and Tegan hadn't really been able to find it in her to just come out and say these things.

Tegan was afraid of Sara not being her soulmate for obvious reasons: she knew that there was no going back. Even if they broke up, there'd always be this. They'd never truly be normal sisters ever again. But had they ever actually been? And if Sara wasn't supposed to be with her, was this ruining both of their lives? And what if one of them did find someone else? Tegan loved Sara in a way that felt so filled to the brim. She wasn't limited to just loving her one way. What if this wasn't actually the full extent of what she could feel? This was the best thing to ever happen to Tegan, but would she be able to turn down something better, knowing that things between her and Sara might be wrecked? Or vice versa? Would Tegan be able to heal her broken heart if Sara left her?

On the other side of things, the fears were pretty similar: what would happen if one left the other for someone else, would that ruin their relationship forever, etc. But if Sara was Tegan's soulmate, then they could never share that with the world. They could never have a normal relationship. And maybe a unique relationship was something to cherish, but that didn't diminish Tegan's yearning for the ability to be public and get married. And if they were soulmates, then this was it. She might have to be with other people to throw everyone off, but everyone else would then be an anti-climax compared to Sara if they actually were soulmates. And life might be boring if they weren't careful because year after year of the same things over and over again…

Tegan reached for Sara's knee to grip and ground her. Sara met her eyes, instantly frowning. Tegan took a deep breath. Jeremy hesitated before wrapping an arm around Tegan's waist. She exhaled, and started another subject of conversation. Going back to class was littered with these thoughts, and until she was caught up in her history class, intrigued by what they were talking about for once.

It wasn't until Sara asked her about what made her upset that brought her fears back to the forefront of her mind. Tegan pursed her lips, trying to figure out how to word it. She stared at the concrete in front of her.

"C'mon Teetee, I know something's bothering you. I just want to know if you need to talk about it." Sara gently nudged her.

"I guess it's just worrying about what if you aren't my soulmate, and what if you are…" Tegan finally admitted. "I know it sounds stupid."

"What's wrong with us being soulmates?" Sara asked, confused.

"We can't have a public relationship. We can't get married." Tegan explained. "We can't… What if being together gets boring and we can't work through it?"

"Then we'll figure it out," Sara replied gently. "Tegan… If you're afraid of those things happening, we'll cross those bridges when we come to them, and then we'll see what we're up against. Remember when we worried about our first time together?"

Tegan let some of the tension fall off of her shoulders. They'd both been worried that their first time having sex would be bad or difficult. They both kind of forgot that they were already attracted to each other, and were worried that they wouldn't be able to perform. They tried to plan everything out to make it special, but when the time came, they were both too nervous to be able to actually have sex. So they just laid down and kissed for a while. They eventually just made love for the first time one day after school when they were both in the mood and the moment felt right.

"You're right," Tegan said with a relieved sigh.

"Besides, we don't have to be monogamous." Sara offered. She took Tegan's hand, squeezing it briefly.

"What?" Tegan furrowed her eyebrows.

"We can be with other people while we're together," Sara explained gently. "I saw that idea somewhere and I kind of liked it. But the thing is, we'd talk to each other and everyone would be informed. Or else it's cheating. Though we might have to alter that rule." Sara's smile was infectious, and suddenly Tegan felt a lot better. She was able to be in the moment now.

They got back home, threw their stuff next to the front door as they closed and locked it behind them. They went upstairs to Sara's room, because it was neater, and sat on the bed and made out, out of sight from the window. Tegan had a fantasy of her and Sara fucking on the window seat because there was a twinge of exhibitionism inside of her. But that was risky and was probably only even somewhat safe to do at night. But Sara promised that they'd try to do it. They hadn't gotten to it yet, but almost every time she walked into Sara's bedroom, she thought of that fantasy. Sometimes, in her imagination, the sex was gentle and sweet. Others it was rough and even kinky. Summer had been a time full of experimentation and exploring different things that they liked, since their jobs weren't every day, so they tended to be able to find the time to have sex.

"Sasa… Do you want to?" Tegan asked. Knowing what the elder twin was hinting at, Sara smirked and nodded.

"Mmm, yeah. How do you want it?" She sat back on her heels. Sara generally topped, but sometimes Tegan wanted to instead, or maybe Tegan wanted a certain position.

"I don't know. What do you want?" Tegan wasn't quite sure if she wanted anything specific. "Actually, I want you to blindfold me and surprise me. If I don't like anything, I'll tell you."

Sara nodded, standing up to find a scarf. She rummaged around, trying to find one that wasn't wool. Eventually, she found a light one that she'd stopped wearing because she thought it was too feminine. She didn't bother to fold it because she trusted that Tegan would keep her eyes shut underneath it. She tossed the scarf to Tegan and took the initiative to close the blinds so that nobody could see inside the room. Their games might require movement.

Once Tegan tied the blindfold on securely, Sara guided her to stand in front of the bed in front of herself. Sara sat down, ready to begin to play.

"Strip," Sara instructed softly. Tegan began to slowly remove all of her articles of clothing, knowing how slowly to go. Sara quickly rid herself of her own clothing while this was going on. Once they were both naked in front of each other, Sara reached out and pulled Tegan forward by her hips. Tegan was a little bit startled, but she had been expecting something to happen. "Sit on my lap." Sara carefully guided Tegan so that she didn't fall onto the ground, and kept her hands on her twin's back so that leaning backward wouldn't be disastrous. Tegan placed her hands on her twin's shoulders to keep herself steady Sara brought her own and Tegan's lips together, and they kissed softly. "You're so beautiful," Sara whispered against Tegan's lips.

"So are you," Tegan replied.

"You can't even see me right now, you little shit." Sara reminded her, grinning.

"But I know that you're beautiful from experience. I've seen you naked lots of times." Tegan protested. Sara laughed and leaned up to her again. "Are you trying to shut me up with a kiss?" Tegan asked teasingly.

"Sure. I mean… It's not like gags exist." Sara joked.

"Oh my god." Tegan scoffed. Sara guided her off of her lap so that Tegan was standing again.

"Get on the bed. On your hands and knees." Tegan complied with this instruction, Sara making sure that she was in a decent position and not in any danger. Sara next to the bed beside her, tracing her fingers lightly down her sister's back. Tegan shivered a little bit, and the light touch went down over her ass. Sara reached under Tegan to lightly take hold of her nipple, lightly pinching the hard bud. The elder twin tensed, biting her lip. Sara brushed her fingers against Tegan's breast, lightly tickling her. Her fingers moved all over Tegan's body, her caresses building anticipation for both of them. Sara was really enjoying watching Tegan's reactions, but decided it was time to shake things up. She reached around Tegan's body with the arm closest to the far side of her sister and her hands simultaneously moved under Tegan to pinch her nipples harder this time. Sara grinned as Tegan let out a little yelp and proceeded to slightly twist them, eliciting whimpers from her sister. Sara leaned around Tegan in a somewhat awkward position in order to kiss her. She sensed Tegan's uncertainty, and released the hard little buds and gently caressed them with her fingertips. Tegan whimpered again, so Sara kissed her once more.

She climbed onto the bed behind Tegan, standing on her knees. Sara reached under Tegan again to cup her breasts, squeezing them, but stroking the flesh with her thumbs.

"You like it when I play with you like this, huh?" Sara remarked, her voice low and sexy.

"I love it." Tegan groaned. "Sara, fuck me… please. I need it."

"Hmmm… I could, but patience is a virtue that you're going to have to learn." Sara informed her. "So I'll fuck you when I'm good and ready."

"Sara… Mum might come home early…" Tegan warned.

"We've got a decent while before that happens," Sara assured her. "And if you can be a good girl and stay quiet while I finish you off, then we'll be fine."

"Sara." Tegan pleaded, a wave of heat rushing down between her legs. Sara could hear that this was a wanton plea and not one of actual concern, but she knew that it was a good idea to check anyway.

"You ok, babe?" Sara did not stop touching Tegan's nipples, which did not help Tegan's neediness.

"Please don't make me wait. I need you. I'm already wet." Sara smirked at Tegan's begging.

"How much do you want it?" Sara asked.

"Don't do that!" Tegan protested. "Just fuck me already."

"I could, but teasing you is so much more fun." Sara purred.

"If you don't do it, I'm going to just do it myself," Tegan warned.

"Mmm, I'd actually enjoy watching that… but what makes you think I'm going to let you get yourself off without my permission?" Sara asked, hands tracing Tegan's sides and moving down to rub her outer thighs. She lightly cupped Tegan's mound with her right hand. "Right now you're mine." Tegan bit her lip. She never told Sara exactly how much she enjoyed it, but her sister had probably already figured it out.

"Do something at least." Tegan requested. "I'm getting kind of antsy and bored." She wasn't; not really. But she was tired of waiting.

"How about I make you eat my pussy since you're so eager?" Sara offered, her voice still low.

"Yes." Tegan breathed. She felt Sara moving around her and sensed her sister was in front of her. Tegan felt her hair being taken hold of—not roughly but not too gently either—and her face was guided to where Sara wanted her. Tegan began to go down on her, knowing what to do even without using her hands or needing to see. Sara provided helpful moans. Tegan knew them quite well and had figured out what to do when. She could have prolonged Sara's orgasm for a while to get her back, but Tegan decided not to because that meant that her turn would take longer.

"Good job, Tee," Sara remarked teasingly after Tegan kissed the top of her mound, signaling that she was finished. "You're very impatient."

"Shut up and give it to me," Tegan said with a groan. "You talk way too much when you know I need it."

"You know that's on purpose." Sara lightly tapped Tegan's nose. The elder twin couldn't keep from smiling.

"I know it is but it's annoying." She tried to stop smiling, but she could not.

"Hey, maybe I want a turn being the annoying twin." Sara was moving down the bed again. She quickly squeezed Tegan's breast lightly before stroking her sister's mound. Without warning, she pushed a single finger into Tegan.

"Finally." Tegan moaned. Sara laughed and began to fuck Tegan slowly and sweetly.

"You love it when I take you from behind, don't you?" Sara observed, pulling out and then going back in with two fingers.

"I like anything you do to me," Tegan replied in between grunts. She moved with Sara to meet the thrusts.

"Good," Sara said, somewhat dreamily. She watched her fingers entering Tegan. The rhythm of it was pleasant, and it felt so nice. Having sex with Tegan was always beautiful. Blindfolds weren't new, and one of them taking charge wasn't either. Over winter break, Sara tried out spanking because Tegan shyly asked her to. They hadn't gotten past a plain hand, though, and Tegan could only take a few at a time, so far, but Tegan wanted to practice that more over the summer. Tegan, naked and sweaty, was in front of Sara, and in her imagination, though in her mind's eye, Tegan was on her back, touching herself. Sara was recalling one time where she had Tegan masturbate in front of her, and had told her sister what to do. Tegan loved performing and entertaining…

"S-Sara. I'm-I'm close." Tegan cried out. Sara reached for Tegan's clit with her free hand and rubbed light circles into it. This would keep Tegan on the edge for the moment, and she slowed her movements down. Tegan practically started crying with desperation. "Sara, please… Please, I need to cum! Don't do this to me."

"Shhh, let me take care of you, Teetee," Sara said, speaking over her sister's pleas. "I'll let you cum, I promise. Just let it happen." Tegan was shaking and practically drenched with sweat. Sara lightly stroked her g-spot with one finger. Tegan moaned with need. Sara kept teasing her until she knew that Tegan would begin to cry if she wasn't satisfied for much longer, so she gave Tegan the pressure she needed on her clit and let her sister cum. Tegan literally collapsed on the bed as she finished her orgasm. Sara leaned over to untie the blindfold and free Tegan of it. She laid down next to her sister, kissing her forehead.

"Teasing me like that isn't nice," Tegan said with an adorable pout. Sara laughed.

"And yet you like it so much." Sara reminded her.

"Ok, that's true." Tegan's face broke out into a grin. Sara put an arm around her sister, then softly kissed her.

"What do you want to do now?" Sara asked.

"Spend time with you," Tegan replied. "I don't care too much."

"I'm sure we'll figure something out," Sara assured her suggestively, her fingers stroking Tegan's back.

"Show me what you have in mind?" Tegan asked, smirking.

"Of course." Sara sat up and straddled Tegan. The two kissed again, getting heated up for round two.

Sara leaned against a wall outside of her first-period classroom. Tegan's class was too far to make it back in the time allotted by the bell, so she didn't even bother. Plus, that'd look the littlest suspicious. They already spent a lot of time together in public, so they shouldn't push it.

She plunged her hands into her pockets, sighing. Inside, she found her heart half. She took it out, staring at it as though it was its own fault for being so stupid. She'd received it fourth period, along with everyone else in the school. Fifth period, she'd put it in her pocket and then forgotten about it. Now today, she wore the same jacket again, and so there was the stupid piece of paper. Sara pursed her lips, wanting to just throw it away. But before she could, she was approached.

"Hey, that's my number!" Her classmate Heather informed her.

"Really?" Sara raised her eyebrow.

"Yeah, wanna see?" Before Sara could reply, Heather had pulled out the left side of 101. Sara forced a smile on her face, though she actually wanted to roll her eyes.

"Cool." She said. Sara had seen Heather's actual number the day before. It had been something completely different. She was a little surprised that her friend would go this far, but perhaps it was a chance to show interest in someone and protect hers and Tegan's relationship further. It was unfortunate that someone might get hurt in this process, but she wasn't doing this to make everyone happy. She was doing this for herself, Tegan, and to alleviate some of the pressure off of Jeremy. Sure it was not a kind thing to do but she figured that you have to do what you have to do.

"Do we win something if we find our soulmate?" Heather asked, looking nervous.

"I don't know. I wasn't paying attention." Sara admitted, giving her a lopsided smile. "I wasn't very into this, but I'm glad you turned out to be my person rather than anyone else." Lies… Pretty little lies that her friend wanted to hear. Sara pushed her guilt away.

"Maybe you'd want to go out for something to eat or drink or something after school?" Heather rushed out.

"I don't know about that… Tegan and I are supposed to go right home…" Sara answered. Heather could have all the attention she wanted at school, but she could not have hers and Tegan's alone time. "But we can have lunch together." She found herself offering. She didn't like this, but it was what she had to do.

Heather grinned at this suggestion. "Sounds good."

* * *

 

"Are you mad at me?" Sara asked Tegan.

"No," Tegan replied simply. They were on the bus to go home. Sara had told Tegan about what had happened with Heather during their morning class together. This time, Sara gave Tegan her share of the lunch that she'd packed. Sara did actually have lunch with Heather, but she didn't really enjoy it that much. She kept thinking of Tegan. But she'd gotten good at pretending she was invested into something she didn't want to be involved in.

"You sure, Tee?" Sara nudged her sister.

"I'm a bit miffed but I'll survive," Tegan admitted quietly. "I'm jealous of her and the fact that you can be public with her." Sara squeezed Tegan's knee gently. The two waited until they got off of the bus to continue the conversation. "I'm also worried that maybe you'll love her more than me… What if you like it better when that person isn't so close to you? I mean… I can remember our entire childhood together. There's not a whole lot to tell me. I already know you."

"Maybe that's why I choose you. Because you know me. You already loved me." Sara replied simply. She laced her fingers through Tegan's.

"But… what if you want something different?" Tegan explained.

"Every couple worries about that." Sara pointed out. "Tegan, no matter what, we will always be linked, and we will always be able to try again if something goes wrong. Not all couples have that luxury. We do. Stop worrying so much. If I feel like I actually do want to be with Heather, I'll tell you. There's nothing for you to worry about." Tegan nodded, still unsure. Once they got inside their house and called out to make sure that they were home alone, Sara softly kissed Tegan on the mouth, then made eye contact with her twin. "Don't worry about it, ok? I love you. And I always will."

Tegan let out a sigh of relief, grinning at Sara. "Ok."


	3. Opening at the Closing

"We look ridiculous," Sara observed, one eyebrow raised.

"Agreed," Tegan muttered. They were both looking at themselves in their mother's full-length mirror. They were dressed in their graduation cap and gowns. "But I kind of want to… You know what…" Tegan continued under her breath. Sara smirked, glancing down at the carpet.

"There are two different meanings to that, but I know which one I like better." She winked at her sister. Tegan tried to keep from blushing, thinking about Sara going down on her underneath the graduation gown (which was a rental). Then she thought about going down on Sara, her own head under the tent of blue fabric. Honestly, either situation would have been fine with her.

The two vacated the bedroom, having finished looking at themselves, and went back into Sara's bedroom. They didn't have to leave for another fifteen minutes, and they had five until they had to go have their photo op with their family members. They went into Sara's room, shut the door, and kissed gently. 

"We look completely identical," Sara observed. 

"Only to stupid people." Tegan quipped, rejoining their lips. Sara smirked.

"Anyway, we have to come up with answers to all of their interrogations about our future," Sara warned with a sigh.

"We're going to get jobs, move out when we can, and take it one step at a time," Tegan said simply. "What more do we need?" Sara gave her a look.

"You know they're going to ask all sorts of questions, and that's not going to satisfy them." Sara reminded her. "They want us to have a plan."

"That is a plan," Tegan muttered, exasperated. "What, do they think we can see the future or something?"

"Did you plan your breakup?" Sara asked, not answering the rhetorical question.

"Yeah, it's going to be tearful at the end of the summer when Jeremy goes to college. What more is there?" Tegan shrugged.

"Was it convincing enough with Heather today?" Sara continued. Tegan chortled at that. Sara gave her a look. 

"Considering the fit she threw, I'm pretty sure she was sure convinced." Tegan elaborated. Sara rolled her eyes. "But you did look a bit sad." 

"Good." Sara placed a hand on Tegan's chest, staring in the direction of her collarbone. She sighed. "I'm glad that only had to last maybe four months. I don't know if I could have had sex with her for more than two months."

"You had me." Tegan offered. Sara shook her head.

"That's the problem. I was and am yours but I was doing stuff with her. It never actually felt right." Sara had said this before. Tegan got an easier deal with Jeremy. They were both doing it for show and knew that it didn't mean anything. But to Heather, this was a dream come true: her crush on her friend being reciprocated. Sara had even patiently gone to prom with her. Jeremy had asked Heather for a dance and 'jokingly' suggested that Sara dance with Tegan. He kept Heather far enough away that they could enjoy a quiet moment together. Both twins were wearing slacks to the prom. Jeremy had gotten Tegan to wear a corsage pinned onto the dress jacket because she wouldn't wear it on her wrist. Prom had been enjoyable even if Sara'd had to officially take Heather. She got to dance with Tegan more than once so it really was worth it.

"I know, babe." Tegan smiled sadly, kissing Sara on her forehead. "But now you don't have to be with her like that ever again."

"We may have to have other people with us," Sara warned. "But maybe if we move someplace where no one knows us… We might have a shot at a normal life, at least inside of our home, and we won't have to do that."

"I like that future for us," Tegan said. "Let's do that one." Sara grinned, kissing her.

"Did you mess up my clothes?" She asked, stepping back, once she had pulled away from the kiss. She turned around.

"No, you're good. What about me?" Tegan did the same for Sara, and she was also in the clear.

"Ok, time for the pictures and the questions," Sara muttered. The two of them entered the living room, where what seemed to be their entire family was. The twins were overwhelmed with the pictures that were taken, and all of the questions that they were asked. They stuck to the bare bones of what they'd said. They'd already gotten hounded by their mother for choosing to not go to university, but she'd relented, realizing that they wanted to have enough money to go to when they did go. Besides, neither of them really knew what they wanted to do yet.

Thanks to the enormous sleeves of their graduation gowns, they were able to hold hands while they were seated. They whispered to each other during the ceremony. Sure, they weren't technically supposed to do that. Perhaps they should have sat through their graduation so that they could cherish that moment and stew in the feeling of accomplishment. But they didn't care. Their setting was always merely a backdrop for their affection.

The ceremony seemed to drag on for too long but also speed by. They were grateful to finally graduate and move their tassels from one side to the other. They were finally considered adults by the people surrounding them, even if they were still seventeen. Yet another rite of passage together.

After dinner at a restaurant and gifts from family, Sara and Tegan were finally allowed to back to their rooms with their tassels, diplomas, and all of the gifts that they'd been given. Sara snuck into Tegan's room later on and slipped into her bed. 

"Hi, Tee." Sara kissed Tegan.

"Hi, Sasa." Tegan rested her head against her sister. "You tired?"

"Yeah, kinda," Sara admitted with a chuckle.

"Do we have a plan?" Tegan asked, her voice small. She was practically terrified of their future.

"First, get jobs. Maybe throw in getting our driver's licenses." Sara murmured sleepily. "Make enough to move someplace. I like the sound of Victoria."

"I like it if you like it," Tegan whispered, tracing her fingers along Sara's arm.

"After that, get jobs and maybe attend community college and get our degrees. Or maybe start attending community colleges when we're at home. I dunno. But once we're in Victoria with jobs and our own place, we'll save up money and get a cat. And we'll love it. And we'll live happily together and travel and just be together." Sara continued. Her eyes were closed.

"Were you making that up as you went along?" Tegan asked teasingly.

"Isn't everyone else?" Sara mumbled. "We'll take it one step at a time. All I know is that I want to spend my life with you. Go to sleep." The two snuggled together and fell asleep.


End file.
